I have resolved to never open a blog post with an apology regarding the lack of recent blog posts. Fuck you if you do not like it, sir! You are still reading, which implies some importance on my part, or at least significant boredom on your own. The problem I seem to have with this is that, given my Twitter, I find there is little left for me to say at the end of the day.

Indeed, even during the day, I find myself posting updates on Twitter, and then thinking “Why?” Really, there’s no reason for it. I am writing here because, damn it, I paid for this fucking domain name and I’m damn well going to use it.

I’m not going to bitch about work. How was work, Alex? Work? Work is shit, that’s what it is. I don’t care how fulfilling my job is, the fact that I have to wake up before it’s even 5am every morning sucks. Like I said, though: I’m not going to bitch.

I’ve been thoroughly addicted to Bayonetta. The problem, I find, is that I’ve reached a certain plateau, a plateau upon which lies frustration beyond anything I’ve ever seen. I am faced with two sequential pairs of enemies, each of which I must dodge with unerring accuracy, lest I watch my health bar drop an obscene amount. I’ve managed to make it through the first pair. Once. The second pair subsequently raped the shit out of me.

I am still having trouble sitting down, if you must know.

My brother is coming up here in March. I initially received the news with a kind of reserved excitement. He’s been dating the craziest bitch I ever done heard in my life, you see. They’ve been together for something like six or seven years now. Imagine my surprise when I find out that the aforementioned harpy wouldn’t be accompanying him! It’ll be nice to see him again, and without his girlfriend, he seems to be the brother I knew in a very big way.

He’ll be here for about a week, including one full weekend, so I’ll definitely have a chance to hang out with him. I’ve missed Ben terribly. I went over a year and a half without speaking to him or hearing from him at all, and he only lives in Victoria.

In any case, I’m really looking forward to it. It’s just a shame that I’m basically the only class 1 driver aside from my boss. It means that I won’t really be able to take any more time off until we hire somebody new. The thought is an unsettling one, I assure you.

Perhaps there will be more updates to follow. Perhaps not.

I find myself wondering, at times, if purchasing the domain name and going through all the trouble of building the website was truly worth it. I update no more than once a week, and today it’s been something like fifteen days since my last update. The reason for this is that I have nothing of value to add.

My biggest problem with blogging is that I’m fully aware that the majority of people ‘out there’ have no interest whatsoever in reading what I have to say. Why I actually have a Twitter account is well and truly beyond me.

I’ve been working on a proposed addition to the role playing game I’m immersed in. The moderators have been exceedingly slow. From conception to now, it’s been about three months, and I’ve made little to no notable progress. It hasn’t been for a lack of trying, I assure you.

I’m watching Hoarders right now. It’s motivated me to keep my house much cleaner than I normally have. My living room remains relatively spotless (the bookshelf will always attract clutter, but it’s not ugly), and Kaitlin recently ran a number on the kitchen. We’re living like kings and queens, lords and rajahs!

My hours for work have been awesome, and Kaitlin’s new job pays a lot better than her last one. We’ve crafted a budget and are adhering to it with an unwavering dedication. Money is in vast abundance. With that in mind, I bought myself yet another knife. I cannot stop acquiring these, nor do I want to.

Christmas! The work week that preceded it was hellish in its own right. I was the only tractor driver for the last few days, and there was much work to be done. I soldiered on, somehow, and managed to finish it with only a minimum of frustration.

Christmas Eve, after work, I picked up the missus and took off to my parents house. We exchanged gifts, and such fine gifts they were! I got a surround sound system that put my previous setup to shame. No less than a thousand watts of power with a subwoofer that actually does what it’s supposed to. I set it up the following morning and I was not disappointed. It has a self-calibration function, wherein you place the microphone where you’re sitting and it adjusts the volume levels accordingly. It had the subwoofer’s levels set at +0.0dB, but I saw fit to increase that number to +6.0dB, which was as high as it would go. Rest assured, if I could have turned it up to eleven, I would have.

I got the warmest socks imaginable, gloves, balaclavas with the lower jaw of a skull printed on them (totally badass), a knitted toque, and an abundance of candy. I also got to speak with my brother on Christmas morning, which is always nice. He’s doing well, and my heart is made warmer for hearing it.

I sit here now on Boxing Day, alone, my better half being scheduled to work on this, the most harrowing day for retail employees. In my pity, I coined the term “retail rape”, but thinking more on it, I am certain the term has been used before. Let’s all send her our best wishes, friends: she’ll definitely need them.

Today I plan to do little more than sit about on the computer, watch movies, enjoy the crystal clear sound that comes from them, and do a bit of cleaning up around the house. Video games are a distinct possibility, but given how much I suck at Modern Warfare 2, I may just enjoy the movies and leave it at that.

How were your holidays, kids? Tell me, in lurid detail, so that we might share in the joy that is getting free stuff in tremendous abundance.

First things firstly: I am getting back into World of Warcraft. The game’s appeal has, for whatever reason, returned to me. I have a hunter of the Night Elf variety (commence laughter) who has made it to the 28th level so far. Kaitlin has also started another character. A human paladin, level (as of this writing) 17.

The initial expectation was that we would level at an even pace (more or less), but things quickly fell apart when it became painfully obvious that I level a lot faster than she does. Hopes remain high, however. We’ll see what happens.

Yesterday, Deacon and I managed to do a bit of running around, two year old Kylie in tow, procuring the various gifts, sundries, and whatnots that would be required for the evening’s Early Christmas Gift Exchangery. By the end of it, I made off with a copy of Modern Warfare 2 and a jacket that appears to have come straight off of the set of Boondock Saints. Both are unbelievably sexy.

Having chased Kylie through half of the goddamn Walmart before cutting her off and scooping her up, we got lunch, ran another small errand or two, and went home. Kylie seemed remarkably pleased with her newfound ability to pee in a potty. Sadly, this resulted in some of the pee (proudly held in the little recepticle by her unsteady hands) landing on my laptop. The laptop was closed, thank God, and only the smallest bit of urine tainted its glossy exterior.

Such cannot be said for my back and t-shirt. She thought it a wonderful idea to pee on me when I wasn’t looking. It is the first time another human being has ever had the opportunity and the desire to do such a thing. I was appropriately amazed.

The evening was much more subdued, consisting mostly of movies and Kylie using me as a high chair while said movies were showing. I distracted her with an iPhone whilst I was busy typing something, and you can see a picture of it here:

That is all I have for you, gentle reader. May your Christmas be as merry as you could ever want. I’m certain mine will be.

I finally managed to finish Modern Warfare 2 the other day. All things considered, I’d say the overall experience was a positive one. I found that the first levels seemed to tease me, to dangle delectable morsels of amazing gameplay in front of my face, only to withdraw said morsels (by which I mean compelling elements of both story and gameplay) at the very last moment. “Not yet,” the game seemed to say. “But soon.” By the game’s climax, every morsel I could have ever hoped for was heaped upon my plate simultaneously. To rapel down a cliff face above my foe and stab him through the heart while I look into his eyes, suspended by a tenuous length of nylon, is to know what it means to truly be alive. I do not exaggerate.

The final moments of the game were incredibly immersive. I won’t spoil anything, but suffice it to say that I was quite literally on the edge of my seat. I will definitely play through the campaign again. As it stands, Deacon was kind enough to allow me to borrow the first iteration of the Modern Warfare franchise. I am told that the story is at least as good. Several reliable sources maintain that it is even better than that of the sequel. I will make my own judgment shortly, I’m sure.

In other news, I managed to persuade my boss to reconsider my value as an employee. I put a strong emphasis on my tenure and current lack of any additional compensation. He seemed to think my argument entirely reasonable, at which point I was instructed to speak with him in a month, provided my raise doesn’t appear in the interim. To say that hopes are high would be a fair assessment of my current situation.

Deacon was kind enough to lend me Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. As a game, I can appreciate its brilliance. The graphics are incredible, the controls are responsive, and the sound is crystal clear. The difficulty, as I see it, is very high.

Let’s be clear from the beginning: I am not very good at first person shooters. I am much better suited to the Halo style shooters than the more ‘realistic’ franchises. I’m what you call a ‘run and gun’ style gamer. I don’t suit the ’stop and pop’ method very well. What I’ve managed to enjoy immensely (even if it’s a rare experience) is the stealth-based levels. They’re hard as hell, even on the ‘recruit’ difficulty, but a completion without any sightings or injury on your part is a truly rewarding process.

Furthermore, gunning down civilians in the airport level is a truly astounding experience. You just stand there, mowing them down, and picking off stragglers. Maybe it’s just me, but shooting one civilian in the leg as he tries to drag his friend to safety is a very nice experience.

I gave the Special Ops missions a go. I died multiple times on basically all of them but The Pit (where enemies are cardboard cutout representations instead of actual armed individuals). I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say that I suck at video games a lot of the time.

I don’t know if I’ll finish it, but I really want to. I seem to manage a level or two every play session, so I’m hoping to have it finished by the end of the week. If not, I’ll just hand it back to Deacon and say “Thanks anyway”.

Thanks to Brianna for the questions. Want five questions of your own? Leave me a comment with “Resistance is futile!” in the body and I’ll see what I can do for you.

QUESTIONS:
1. You often post photos of your kills from hunting. How did you get into
hunting, and do you prefer to kill & eat your own meat to purchasing
meat? If yes, is it for ethical reasons or enjoyment?

A. I got into hunting because my dad, my mom, and my uncle have been into it for years and years, well before I was born. The first time I went hunting with my dad (I only hunt birds, deer hunting is boring as fuck), I got a duck in the first flock. The rush was unbelievable, and firing a shotgun is fun as hell. It might just be a guy thing, but feeding people with the meat from an animal that you killed yourself is IMMENSELY satisfying. I’ll purchase meat all the time, but I’ll never buy goose or duck. I have that once a year, during hunting season.

2. Do you see yourself having children in the future? What kind of dad do
you think you would be? Would you let Dave be your offsprings’ crazy,
inappropriate uncle?

A. I definitely see myself having children in the near future. I want to get shit set up right. Kaitlin and I have talked about this at length. We want to get the proverbial nest built, then we’ll pop out a crotch dropping or two. Just like everybody else, I think I’d be the greatest dad ever, but I actually will be the greatest dad ever. I’m not an idiot when it comes to dealing with kids. And yes, I’d let Dave be the crazy, inappropriate uncle, especially since my kid would probably never see his real uncle anyway.

3. You currently drive exceptionally large vehicles for a living and seem
to enjoy it more or less – at least not HATE it. Also, work ethic is very
important to you. That being said, if you could have any job on the
planet, which would you find the most fulfilling?

A. I enjoy my job a great deal. The satisfaction of having busted my ass all day, coming home, and knowing that almost everything I own and everything we do is made possible by the work I do…well, it’s pretty fucking important to me. If I could have any job in the planet, assuming I’d magically gain the skills for said job, I’d want a job that keeps me traveling a lot. I’d still like to see the world, so why not get paid for it? It’d probably wear thin, not being home a lot, so I don’t know. I’m happy doing what I do right now, to be truthful. I don’t even really want a cushy desk job in a corner office with a nice view of downtown: my job keeps me outside and away from other people, where I’m happiest.

4. What part of the female (or just human) anatomy are you most drawn to
and why?

A. It really varies with who I’m with. I forget who it was, but some dude once wrote (and I’m loosely paraphrasing here) “There’s no shape more beautiful in nature than the curve of a woman’s back.” I couldn’t agree with this more. The sight of a woman’s naked back has always really appealed to me, and I’m just talking aesthetics. Sexually, the insides of the thighs, a few inches below the navel, and (of course) a nice pair of breasts will always do it for me.

5. I already asked another person this but I think it is an awesome
question: If your farts could smell like anything other than a fart, and
sound like anything other than a fart, what sound and scent would you
combine to create the perfect passing gas experience?

A. My farts would sound like an angelic chorus and they’d smell like Old Spice.

Very good questions! I enjoyed answering those. Fire me a comment, discuss my answers, and I’ll give you questions of your own!

As much as waking up at five in the morning kind of sucks, it’s a little bit worth it. I’ve learned to appreciate what’s good about my job, rather than getting pissed off at what’s bad. Example: I’m awake and outside every sunrise, and the sunrises here are gorgeous. The one I saw this morning took up a full third of the sky at least.

Second, my job keeps me up and moving around. I have never been in as good a shape as I am right now. I feel fucking fantastic. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, I’ve got a real shape, and my wife digs it, too.

Third, my job keeps me away from people a hell of a lot more than most other jobs do. I can’t stand working in constant proximity to people. I start to hate them or they start to hate me, then shit goes downhill because I’m stubborn as hell.

I’ve posted about it before. I am fully aware of this.

Before I say it, I’m unsure how to say “One fact you may not be aware of”, since it ends a sentence in a preposition. “One fact of which you may not be aware”? I digress.

Something you might not know is that sometimes (rarely, but sometimes) things said on the internet will bug me. Probably the only thing to do it is when I hear about the lazy and the unemployed. People who leech off of a system put in place to help people who are legitimately in need of it.

How pride made it into the Big Seven is well and truly beyond me. I don’t imagine God meant that pride in one’s hard work is a deadly sin. He was probably talking about vanity. Or is vanity one of the Big Seven, too? I won’t pretend to know. In either case, I wonder how these people ever make their way through life without pride. How could you feel pride, holding your hand out every month, knowing that you didn’t work for anything you own?

Anyway, I’m being about as stumbling and awkward in my prose as I’ve ever been. None of this might even make sense to you.

I have a great deal of pride in the work that I do. I wake up at 5:00am every day, drag my half-sleeping ass to work, and bust my ass for hours and hours.

Hung out at Deacon and Erika’s place tonight. Enjoyed Kylie’s unwavering identification of my various tattoos. Kylie enjoyed my company until she peed on the floor, at which point she was sent to bed with a bowl of cheesy goldfish.

Played Army of Two and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 with Deacon. The modern CoD games just aren’t my thing, but I can definitely appreciate the quality of the graphics and the gameplay.

Erika joined us for a three-player co-op game of Splosion Man. Hectic, ’splodey fun was had, talkings were done, and cake was readily acquired.

Off to bed for me, in the hopes that work will go easy on me tomorrow. Excitement abounds for the weekend and the promise of long sleeps therein.

Also, lolcats: